Rom Romberts's posts - English uPOST

I love my idiot, hog-like wife

I appreciate my wife for who she is - a disgusting creature too dumb to comprehend even a few of these words. This world is full of impossible standards set forth by the masses: be skinny, have gigantic quivering cubes of gravy for breasts, own teeth that you can take out and throw at people so the teeth can crawl…

This Christmas, Bring The Flute This Christmas, Bring The Flute

You have been a dud at holiday gatherings recently. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you are just going through the motions. I’ll give it to you straight - only a flute will get you out of this rut.

I Made Eye Contact With A Woman. Now What? I Made Eye Contact With A Woman. Now What?

I am the tall, sensitive boy of tomorrow. I am riding the bus. Look at my jacket and understand that I thought about how it would look on my body. You can’t get it in stores. Where is it from? My grandfather died in this jacket many years ago while riding a motorcycle along the coast. Which coast? Ha. That’s another…

Here Are All Of The Best Winter Solstice Songs Here Are All Of The Best Winter Solstice Songs

The Winter Solstice is a time to put brass instruments between your lips and push air through tubes out into the endless void of night. Who hasn’t wandered out into the woods covered in the blood of a fawn to wail on a dented and ancient trombone? If work is too hectic and you don’t get time off to wander around a…

Super Bowl 50: All Questions Have The Same Answer Super Bowl 50: All Questions Have The Same Answer

On Sunday, you lose your U.S. citizenship if you aren’t staring blankly at the television while Beyonce screams into Chris Coldplay’s mouth and the Carolina Panthers battle the Denver Broncos in synchronized acrobatics under the unblinking stares of the Real Housewives of Lincoln, Nebraska.

Today Is National Boss Day: Here's How To Do It Today Is National Boss Day: Here's How To Do It

Today is the day we celebrate the boss. Your boss. My boss. The Boss. We’ve been doing this holiday since our ancestors were drawing crude circles into the dirt under the harvest moon. We’ve been doing this holiday since wolves were in serious contention for being the next big thing on Earth. Boss Day is a holiday…

Why Geniuses Wear Same Clothes? Why Geniuses Wear Same Clothes?

Why do genius same clothes have? Why wear genius one clothes? Why? Never known. Always mystery. Forever. Email? Impossible without same. Genius lives genius people. Universe because of genius. Amen.

The Night The Pope Came To My Apartment The Night The Pope Came To My Apartment

The last time the Pope came to America, there wasn’t nearly as much fanfare as there is now. Today, news outlets across the world are tracking the Pontiff’s every move, reporting his every utterance, and drawing bad pictures of him wearing roller skates in the margins of their notebooks. The last time the Pope came to…

Secret Anatomy: Did you know these things were part of your body and that wishes don't come true? Secret Anatomy: Did you know these things were part of your body and that wishes don't come true?

The body is an amazing factory of squelch noises and dribbling liquids. You can do anything with the right kind of body: bend, reach, kick, fall...anything! But here’s the thing, friend: what in the world are all the bits inside of the body that make it go buzzing around the neighborhood coaxing pies from the skillful…

Movie RomView: The Devil Wears Prada Movie RomView: The Devil Wears Prada

Anne Hathaway plays a special woman who gets to do an internship with a fashion vampire who makes a magazine happen. She does a good job and everything turns out fine.

Stories from the 2016 Presidential Race: vol. 1 Stories from the 2016 Presidential Race: vol. 1

The algae bloom had only just started about 50 miles to the west of us, out near Toledo. Our part of the lake was still safe for swimming, but you could see shimmering green bulbs floating everywhere. I tried not to get any in my mouth.

Fantasy Draft Primer: Whom to Hug and What to Fear Fantasy Draft Primer: Whom to Hug and What to Fear

Soon you will bleach your body hair and ascend the steep temple stairs. Soon you will light the fire of your father, and his father. Soon you will hear the whispers come up from the Great Below, sending bits of bone and dried leaves skittering across the echoing banquet hall of Vyrthox, the Once Dead King. Soon you…

Hey look at these items of clothing Hey look at these items of clothing

People are walking around every day inside of clothing and you barely notice it. Nobody ever talks about it. Well, it’s time to break the silence. Here are some items of clothing we see, but ignore, almost everyday.

Here Are All Of The Best Football Teams Here Are All Of The Best Football Teams

The corn thirsts for harvest. The beans are floating in mid air and there isn’t a cat to be seen for miles. We’ve crested summer’s peak in America and we’re gonna slide down the other side of this sucker in our flesh sleds, enjoying gridiron views the whole way down. Welcome to America. It’s football night forever.

Seasoned Detective, Episode True: Queen of Hen's Hill Seasoned Detective, Episode True: Queen of Hen's Hill

Wow. So much happened. Let’s get started...

The Detective Is True: Episode 5: We Are All Very Serious About Things The Detective Is True: Episode 5: We Are All Very Serious About Things

Get the salted cod and make sure you cage the baby - things are getting serious in True Detective town.

True Detective Episode 3: The Sex Wizard is the Chrome Hog of Justice True Detective Episode 3: The Sex Wizard is the Chrome Hog of Justice

There isn’t even a single part of this that won’t waste your time.

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