Drew Magary's posts - English uPOST

What Is The Best Plate Shape? What Is The Best Plate Shape?

Today, we’re talking about Game of Thrones, pizza pilgrimages, movie knowers, bad candy bars, and more.

Un-Fucking-Real Un-Fucking-Real

He was finished. He was disgraced, hobbled, and eaten alive by the ravages of both fame and time. His story was over; it was simply a matter how clumsily it would end and how long it would take for that end to finally arrive.

The Terrible Private Highway Racket Is Coming For My House The Terrible Private Highway Racket Is Coming For My House

You probably missed it because it falls squarely within the genre of normal, pre-2016 government malfeasance, but this week, according to the Washington Post, Maryland state Senator Nancy King (D) shot down a bill that would have made it more difficult for the state’s Republican governor to add toll lanes to the…

When Is The Best Time To Take A Dump? When Is The Best Time To Take A Dump?

Today, we’re talking about wallets, watching sports alone, asshole coaches, and more.

Confessions Of A Tooth Grinder Confessions Of A Tooth Grinder

I grind my teeth at night. This is because I live in America, and every day living here tells my subconscious that it would be a wise idea for me to bite clean through my own jaw. I had no idea that I was doing this until years ago when my old dentist, a very nice man who would accidentally fart out loud while…

They’re Gonna Fuck Up This New Joker Movie And I’m Already Annoyed They’re Gonna Fuck Up This New Joker Movie And I’m Already Annoyed

In theory, I am the ideal target audience for this new Joker trailer because I am the kind of broad-minded jackass who would shell out $12 for anything Joker-related, and because I’m one of five people who won’t openly recoil at the idea of a gritty PG-13 Joker origin story shot exclusively as an homage to old…

Onions, Ranked Onions, Ranked

Today, we’re talking about pizza, worst places to die, the NCAA tournament, and more.

Would You Rather Be
Born Old Or Die Young? Would You Rather Be Born Old Or Die Young?

Today, we’re talking about Scott Van Pelt, rich assholes in space, flipping the bird, and more.

My Kids Won’t Stop Gaslighting Me My Kids Won’t Stop Gaslighting Me

If you’ve been around these internet parts for the past few years, you know all about gaslighting, wherein people stand behind a lie so fervently that they compel others to believe it as well, leaving marks unsure as to what is true and what really is the name of Apple CEO Tim Apple.

And Now, Your Worst Roommate Horror Stories And Now, Your Worst Roommate Horror Stories

I have very few, if any, roommate horror stories scattered throughout my personal history, which means that I, like the oblivious sucker at a poker table, am likely the nightmare roommate in stories of OTHER people. Take my friend Fred, for example (not his real name). In 1999, Fred crashed at my studio apartment in…

Stop Excusing Tom Izzo’s Assholery Stop Excusing Tom Izzo’s Assholery

The only thing more predictable than Tom Izzo going apeshit on one of his own players, to the point where MSU freshman forward Aaron Henry’s teammates had to actively restrain the head coach, was the parade of dipshits and assholes rushing to Izzo’s defense and framing any criticism of his sideline behavior as…

Bubble Teams Belong In Hell Bubble Teams Belong In Hell

Today, we’re talking about chicken pot pie, the NCAA tournament, dirty belts, and more.

The Sports Media Is Doing Nike’s Damage Control For Free The Sports Media Is Doing Nike’s Damage Control For Free

Last night college basketball fans were treated to a comeback that, just a few weeks ago, seemed impossible. I’m talking, of course, about Nike shoes. We were all rooting for that scrappy little outfit out of Beaverton, Oregon, to overcome the odds, AMIRITE? Sure, Duke supernova Zion Williamson returned to the court…

The 2018(ish) Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog The 2018(ish) Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

[greets you at the door while wearing a frayed holiday sweater; offers you curdled egg nog]

Should The NFL Support
Medicare For All? Should The NFL Support Medicare For All?

Today, we’re talking about baths, grocery store timing, quotable movies, Bryce Harper, and more.

Stop Enabling Barstool's Shit Stop Enabling Barstool's Shit

Barstool Sports, a site for boys who wanna grow up to be Donald Trump Jr., is getting shit on this week. This is a justified shitting-on, because comedian Miel Bredouw called out the site for using a video that she made without giving her credit—in fact, we found they sometimes upload pilfered content via a dummy…

What Is The Optimum
Office Food? What Is The Optimum Office Food?

Today, we’re talking about basketball, Joe Lunardi sucking, conductors, vengeance, and more.

Why won’t the mayo bullies leave us alone? Why won’t the mayo bullies leave us alone?

I hate mayonnaise. You don’t need to know the particulars of why I hate the taste of it. Why, just thinking about that taste right now triggers my gag reflex, which is neat. But suffice it to say, I’ve hated mayonnaise my entire life. And my repeated exposures to mayonnaise have not improved my opinion of the…

College Basketball
Coaches Are Too Famous College Basketball Coaches Are Too Famous

Today, we’re talking about Bojangles, Bob Kraft, burnt hot dogs, and more.

The Hater’s Guide To The 2019 Oscars

I remember I used to have a hard time waiting for the Oscars to arrive. I shit you not. I would get super jazzed for them, then roll my eyes at the prospect of having to wait for months between the end of the movie year and the stupid ceremony. I, uh, no longer feel this way. The Oscars come around now and I, along…

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