Billy Haisley's posts - English uPOST

Premier League Votes To Force-Feed Fans Steaming Piles Of VAR Next Season Premier League Votes To Force-Feed Fans Steaming Piles Of VAR Next Season

If you read this site you probably already know why VAR, soccer’s misguided foray into video replay, is shit. Up to now the Premier League admirably resisted the trend of competitions shoveling VAR down everyone’s throats, in part because of some high-profile local instantiations of VAR’s shittiness. Alas, the…

Claudio Ranieri, Everyone's Lovable Soccer Grandpa, Is Here To Save Fulham Claudio Ranieri, Everyone's Lovable Soccer Grandpa, Is Here To Save Fulham

Despite spending something like £100 million in the transfer market in the summer, newly promoted Fulham have been the worst team in the Premier League by a good margin. Finally, they’ve decided to do something about it. Today the club announced that they’ve fired manager Slaviša Jokanović and replaced him with a more…

Borussia Dortmund Defender Manuel Akanji Is The King Of Quick Maths Borussia Dortmund Defender Manuel Akanji Is The King Of Quick Maths

Last year, British rapper Big Shaq took the world by storm with an incredible freestyle performance during which he posed and solved a series of math equations mid-rap. It’s taken a while, but someone has finally surpassed Big Shaq’s show of numerical genius with even quicker, more complex maths. That someone is…

Super Nice Soccer Guy Rewarded For His Compassion With Easiest Goal Of His Life Super Nice Soccer Guy Rewarded For His Compassion With Easiest Goal Of His Life

The next time someone says nice guys finish last, show them this video of Maccabi Petah Tikva striker Habib Habibou tending to a hurt teammate and being gifted with a tap-in because of it, and you will have irrefutably proven the power of good karma:

Dutch Soccer Fans Hire Stripper To Run On Field And Distract Opponents Dutch Soccer Fans Hire Stripper To Run On Field And Distract Opponents

Black and yellow streamers fell from the sky near the Rijnsburgse Boys goal in the 12th minute of their match against AFC on Saturday, as if to announce the coming of a celebration or a gift. A gift indeed soon came, as a local stripper ran out onto the pitch wearing nothing but shoes, socks, and some body paint,…

José Mourinho Caps Quintessential Win With Quintessential Assholery

Juventus had little trouble bossing Manchester United in the Champions League today. The Italian team was in control for the vast majority of the match and, if not for some shaky finishing, probably would’ve won with ease. But even during this struggle of a season, United manager José Mourinho proved he can still work…

Raheem Sterling Wins A Penalty By Tripping Over Himself

In today’s match against Shakhtar Donetsk, Manchester City star Raheem Sterling did something incredibly embarrassing when he blew a very good scoring opportunity by tripping over his own feet. Luckily for him, the referee followed that blunder with an even more monumental failure of his own when he awarded Sterling…

Report: Man Burns Down His Friend's House Over Argentine Soccer Rivalry Report: Man Burns Down His Friend's House Over Argentine Soccer Rivalry

The rivalry between Boca Juniors and River Plate, the two biggest clubs in Argentine soccer, is dubbed the Superclásico. This “Super” qualifier isn’t meant to imply that the game’s quality is typically better than Spain’s more heralded Clásico. Instead, it’s a reference to the fans, who are super-charged,…

It's Time To Admit That Manchester City Are Unstoppable It's Time To Admit That Manchester City Are Unstoppable

Look, we get it. To a certain way of thinking, blowouts are bad, indisputable superiority is boring, and a season with a wire-to-wire table-topper isn’t as enthralling as a tightly competitive one. It would be nice if this year’s Premier League title race were a genuine competition between two or more clubs of equal…

Mohamed Salah Is Officially A Great Player Now That He Has A Creepy Statue In His Likeness Mohamed Salah Is Officially A Great Player Now That He Has A Creepy Statue In His Likeness

Last season, Liverpool forward Mohamed Salah went a long way toward consecrating his status as an all-time great by scoring the most goals ever in a single 38-game Premier League season. This weekend, Salah saw his legendary case strengthened even further when someone made an ugly statue of him.

This Malcolm Brown Touchdown Catch Is An Unreal Feat Of Body Control

This twinkle-toed touchdown reception by Rams running back Malcolm Brown, in which he somehow manages to dodge two onrushing Saints defenders and keep his feet inbounds despite having to do it all with just a sliver of grass between him, them, and the sideline, is just incredible.

High School Football Team Redeems Itself With A Crazy Comeback One Year After Late-Game Collapse

Last year, Minnesota high school St. Michael-Albertville made news when they gagged up a huge late lead by letting Maple Grove score 19 points in the game’s final 59 seconds. On Friday, STMA found redemption by pulling off a wild fourth-quarter comeback of their own that featured three consecutive onside kick…

Joel Embiid Announces Plans To Expand His Real Estate Empire By Building Additional Housing Units In Andre Drummond's Cranium Joel Embiid Announces Plans To Expand His Real Estate Empire By Building Additional Housing Units In Andre Drummond's Cranium

Basketball star and no-rent housing innovator Joel Embiid had a monster game against the Pistons yesterday. And in his 39-point performance—32 of them coming in a scorching first half—Embiid achieved his twin goals of clowning on and growing his real estate investments with his favorite rival/unwitting business…

Jets And Dolphins Will Play On The Same Mud Pit Duke And Miami Mucked About In Yesterday Jets And Dolphins Will Play On The Same Mud Pit Duke And Miami Mucked About In Yesterday

A combination of heavy rain and dozens of large, cleated football players stomping around on it for a couple hours meant yesterday’s Duke-Miami game, played for some reason in the Dolphins’ stadium, took place on top of a surface that looked more like a swamp than a football field. Which is bad news for the Jets and…

Scottish Soccer Fan Punches Goalkeeper In The Face, While Another Beans Manager With A Coin

The behavior of two asshole fans threatened to ruin the spectacle of yesterday’s Scottish Premiership match between rivals Hearts and Hibernian. One of the assholes punched Hearts’ keeper in the face in the middle of the match, and the other chucked a coin at Hibs’ manager, striking the coach square in the face.

New Footage Shows The Moment Leicester City Owner's Helicopter Spun Out Of Control New Footage Shows The Moment Leicester City Owner's Helicopter Spun Out Of Control

A recently released video taken from the pitch of Leicester City’s stadium on Saturday shows the exact moment a helicopter, which was carrying Leicester’s owner, Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha, and four other passengers, began to spiral out of control before crashing and exploding, killing everyone on board.

Mohamed Salah Is Smiling Again Mohamed Salah Is Smiling Again

There was a minor inquest into Mohamed Salah’s state of mind following Liverpool’s comprehensive victory against Red Star in the Champions League last week. Salah scored twice in the 4-0 ass-kicking, but both of his post-goal reactions were noticeably subdued. The same was true after his goal the weekend prior, an…

Even The Mighty Premier League Must Bow Before The Power Of America's Stupidest Sport Even The Mighty Premier League Must Bow Before The Power Of America's Stupidest Sport

Though I am a big fan of European soccer, I am an even bigger fan of massive, gaudy manifestations of American exceptionalism. And what better display of the U.S. in all its decadence and sun-blotting self-regard than us having our biggest, dumbest sport that nobody else cares about ruin the pitch of a huge game in…

Barcelona Crushed Real Madrid And The Endless Cycle Of Death And Rebirth Begins Anew Barcelona Crushed Real Madrid And The Endless Cycle Of Death And Rebirth Begins Anew

Sunday’s edition of El Clásico between Barcelona and Real Madrid might have lacked the star-power and extraterrestrial individual greatness that Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo—both absent from the match for the first time in 11 years—always brought to the affair, but that doesn’t mean this world-famous rivalry had…

This Weekend Is The First Clásico Of The Rest Of Our Lives This Weekend Is The First Clásico Of The Rest Of Our Lives

The defining feature of the past decade of international soccer has been the enduring struggle of two opposing forces: Lionel Messi vs. Cristiano Ronaldo, Barcelona vs. Real Madrid. Two of the very best soccer players to ever live, their abilities maximized to the fullest extent possible thanks to modern medical and…

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