Billy Haisley's posts - English uPOST

Here we have yet another South American soccer player who apparently can’t differentiate between the kinds of kicks you use to score goals as Messi when playing FIFA and those you use to punt opponents’ heads off their bodies as Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat:

Midway through the process of finding the precise Hannibal reference to throw into a headline about how thoroughly Mohamed Salah had obliterated the Roman forces sent to Liverpool in today’s fantastic Champions League semifinal, Roma stormed back from what was a 5-0 deficit to seal for themselves a 5-2 result and made…

If there’s any justice in the world, Mohamed Salah will be rewarded for his jaw-dropping, record-making, goal-packed, unforgettably great season with the highest individual award in the land, the Ballon d’Or.

We’ve all seen players stomp off the pitch in barely suppressed anger after their manager has subbed them out of a game. A far less common sight is a player communicating his post-subbing displeasure by walking off the pitch and straight over to the coach and attempting to kick his ass:

Mascots are a common sight at soccer matches. Traditionally, these take the form of cute little children who escort the players onto the pitch to start a match. Sometimes, as was the case before a game in Russia this weekend, the cute little children are swapped out in favor of a huge fucking bear:

If ever you needed evidence that even when video replay is right it can still be horribly wrong, yesterday’s Bundesliga match between Mainz and Freiburg should serve as just that.

As the determiner of an ultimate champion, the soccer system is great. The table never lies and every match matters and you always know that, come the end of the long, grueling season, the team that stacked up the most points will hoist the trophy above their heads in front of their adoring fans with the singular joy…

Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Lionel Messi. It’s an argument as old as time itself, with diehard fans of these two all-time greats throwing out stats and facts in support of their preferred candidate to make their case for superiority—Messianiacs pointing to his better scoring record, his better passing, his better dribbling…

After a thrilling Champions League quarterfinal round that saw the threat of multiple enormous comebacks and one completed one, we now know who will play whom in the semifinal round for the right to compete for the European Cup in Kiev. The draw looks incredibly enticing.

In a Serie A match on Sunday, Inter winger Antonio Candreva tried to send the ball screaming into the upper corner of Torino’s goal. Instead, he sent a stadium steward screaming into the hospital when his errant shot flew over the crossbar, smashed into the unsuspecting steward’s back, and ruptured his spleen.

Meet Jéssica Silva, forward for Spanish club Levante and the Portuguese national team. Last week, she made an appearance for Portugal in a Euro 2021 qualifier against Belgium. This gave her an opportunity to do what she does best, which is to absolutely ruin defenders with beautifully disgusting nutmegs:

Everything was going perfectly for Juventus. After losing the first leg of their Champions League tie against Real Madrid at home last week, today they went to Madrid and flipped the script, somehow scoring three unanswered goals an hour into the match. Just seconds away from dragging the match into extra time where…

All the best strikers are maniacally obsessed with scoring goals. Everyone knows about this single-mindedness, and yet it can still be a little jarring to hear just how deep this drive goes. Like this weekend, when Harry Kane made his case that he’d gotten a touch on a goal that had been credited to a teammate by…

If you care about soccer at all, you were definitely glued to your TV today, watching to see if a certain team could do the impossible by overturning a huge first-leg deficit. And while one team did do just that by pulling off an enormous comeback, it was almost certainly not the team you expected.

By any conceivable criteria, this year’s Manchester City bunch should go down as one of the greatest Premier League teams of all time. In the face of the deepest, richest, savviest array of clubs from top to bottom in league history, as one member of a staggeringly competitive cadre of six superteams that have spared…

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Until next time.

If you missed the old Cavani, miss easy goals Cavani, “he always chokes” Cavani, “he should be sold” Cavani, then you’re in for a treat: In today’s Ligue 1 match between PSG and Saint-Étienne, Cavani reminded us all that somewhere deep down inside him, behind the steady stream of goals and renewed confidence of the…

Arsenal blew the doors off a geriatric CSKA Moscow team in the Europa League today, winning by a score of 4-1. The best goal of the bunch was this beautiful little flick that came off the side of Aaron Ramsey’s foot:

In his long and illustrious career, Cristiano Ronaldo has won a billion trophies and scored a zillion goals. Today, just now, at the ripe old age of 33, he has scored one of his most sensational, athletic, instantly iconic goals in Real Madrid’s Champions League match against Juventus:

Dele Alli scored twice in Tottenham’s 3-1 victory over Chelsea this weekend. His first goal was a beaut, but as Chris Applegate noted on Twitter, even more gorgeous than the goal itself were the photos, featuring the home Chelsea crowd’s reaction. So many scowls. So many impolite hand gestures. Truly art at its finest.