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This Week in Tabloids: She's Fucking Pregnant!!! This Week in Tabloids: She's Fucking Pregnant!!!

Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel’s weekly tabloid roundup. This week, everyone’s freaking out about Meghan Markle’s pregnancy—not to be confused with “mpreg.”

Pretty Sure This Koala Is an Anti-Monarchist Pretty Sure This Koala Is an Anti-Monarchist

In 1999, Australia held a referendum on whether to become a republic, deciding whether to chuck out Queen Elizabeth II as their technical head of state in favor of an elected official. It failed, but the country is chugging along toward another try. And I know how this koala will be voting!

Meghan Markle Is Pregnant  Meghan Markle Is Pregnant 

Good morning! Meghan Markle is pregnant. It’s official, it’s confirmed, and they’re past the three-month mark.

Weary Child Shines at Royal Wedding 3 Weary Child Shines at Royal Wedding 3

Kensington Palace & co went balls-out on #RoyalWedding 3, an event aired on ITV (BBC passed) for the diehard royal fandom, at a reported $2.6 million expense to British taxpayers. They–or contingent advertisers or the tourism board or media or whatever–were determined that you will warm up to the idea of Princess…

Princess Eugenie's Royal Wedding, Reviewed As Part of the TLC Wedding Canon  Princess Eugenie's Royal Wedding, Reviewed As Part of the TLC Wedding Canon 

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was a massive, international media event that garnered top-tier news coverage from around the world. It was a story presumed to be of general interest. The wedding of Harry’s cousin, Princess Eugenie, is a little different.

Do NOT Bring Your Cell Phone to Princess Eugenie's Royal Wedding  Do NOT Bring Your Cell Phone to Princess Eugenie's Royal Wedding 

Guests at the royal wedding of Princess Eugenie to Jack Brooksbank will be asked to hand their phones over before entering. Also, don’t bring a gift. Why you would bring a gift to an 850-person party in the first place, I don’t know.

Let's Take a Moment to Look at Princess Eugenie's Pinterest  Let's Take a Moment to Look at Princess Eugenie's Pinterest 

Due to the upswing in royal family media coverage (thanks, Meghan!) suddenly peripheral members of the crew are now characters in the news. This is truest of all for Princess Eugenie, who apparently has a Pinterest that we can investigate to get a deeper acquaintance with this latest addition to our feeds.

Royal Wedding 2 Has a Television Home, THANK GOD  Royal Wedding 2 Has a Television Home, THANK GOD 

Royal Wedding 2, the sequel starring Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank and featuring at best brief cameos from the original stars, has found a television home, after all, despite nobody realllllllly caring.

Who the Hell Is Going to Buy This Royal Wedding China? (Maybe Me?????)  Who the Hell Is Going to Buy This Royal Wedding China? (Maybe Me?????) 

The BBC reportedly doesn’t want Princess Eugenie’s wedding to Jack Brooksbank, but the monarchist show must go on! Hence the palace has rolled out the commemorative English fine bone china, emblazoned with the couple’s monogram.

$40 Gets You a Replica of Meghan Markle's Engagement Ring  $40 Gets You a Replica of Meghan Markle's Engagement Ring 

In a victory for lovers of kitschy costume jewelry reproductions the world over, the Buckingham Palace gift shop is now selling Meghan Markle’s engagement ring, priced to move at £30.

Prince William Accidentally Calls Japanese Food Chinese, Probably Because He Only Eat Beans Prince William Accidentally Calls Japanese Food Chinese, Probably Because He Only Eat Beans

During a public appearance at the opening of the Japan House in London, Prince William made a confusing mistake: he called Japanese food Chinese food.

Palace Source Denies This Is Meghan Markle's Dog Taking a Dump Palace Source Denies This Is Meghan Markle's Dog Taking a Dump

Did a local Miami news reporter get the scoop of a lifetime walking by Kensington Palace and spotting Meghan Markle picking up her own dog’s poop? “A source at the Palace” disputes it!

This Week in Tabloids: Meghan Markle Exists, As Do Kate Middleton's Kids This Week in Tabloids: Meghan Markle Exists, As Do Kate Middleton's Kids

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where the Meghans are Markle and the only winner of the gig economy is reality star-turned-deep stealth sponconista Olivia Culpo.

Prince Harry Definitely Wanders Around Kensington Palace Warbling Songs from Hamilton  Prince Harry Definitely Wanders Around Kensington Palace Warbling Songs from Hamilton 

Picture this: Prince Harry roaming around his corner of Kensington Palace, warbling the lyrics to various songs from Hamilton. Apparently that’s a glimpse inside his and Meghan’s life together!

Us Mere Normals Will Be Able to Gaze Longingly at Meghan Markle's Dress in Person  Us Mere Normals Will Be Able to Gaze Longingly at Meghan Markle's Dress in Person 

If you missed the royal wedding itself, you have a second chance to come almost close enough to touch the hem of the happy couple’s regal garments, because Meghan’s dress is going on display.

Harry and Meghan Got a Dog, Just FYI  Harry and Meghan Got a Dog, Just FYI 

What’s next for Harry and Meghan, other than a series of royal tours to bolster Brand Britain around the world after the United Kingdom shut its collective finger in the car door with Brexit? Getting a dog, obviously.

Aristocrat Sues France Because He's Not Prince of Monaco  Aristocrat Sues France Because He's Not Prince of Monaco 

Perhaps you thought the era of dynastic disputes and rival claimants to the throne were a thing of the past, a phenomenon consigned to an era when monarchy mattered. Think again, says French aristocrat Louis de Causans!

Sorry to Say Meghan Markle Did NOT Win a Teen Choice Award  Sorry to Say Meghan Markle Did NOT Win a Teen Choice Award 

I’m so sorry to report that Meghan Markle has been robbed—by Harry Styles! Of her 2018 Teen Choice Award, that is. Styles, I hope you’re prepared to be eaten alive by the corgis for this offense against the majesty of the Crown!

Today, a Small Pony Took a Dump in Front of Queen Elizabeth Today, a Small Pony Took a Dump in Front of Queen Elizabeth

A thought exercise I often enjoy is considering which of life’s unpleasantries can be escaped by occupying a high enough rung on the socioeconomic ladder. I think about this most often with regard to the Royal Family, a set of people who from birth have been treated to the highest quality of everything, from breakfast…

Feud: Charles and Diana Appears to Have Stalled Out  Feud: Charles and Diana Appears to Have Stalled Out 

In a crushing blow to me, personally, Feud: Charles and Diana is currently not moving forward at FX. [Wails, gnashes teeth, rends garments including eBay-sourced commemorative Charles and Diana wedding t-shirt]

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