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Paul Ryan Finally Pressured Into Queasy Monogamy With Donald Trump  Paul Ryan Finally Pressured Into Queasy Monogamy With Donald Trump 

After weeks of hemming, hawing and scanning the room for the closest exits, House Speaker Paul Ryan has announced that he will vote for Donald Trump, an oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard. What a proud and exciting moment for us all.

According to various sources, George Clooney is looking good. And, says one geneticist, he is only getting better-looking with time. "Unlike most carbon-based organisms," the Princeton scientist notes, "Clooney, with his puppy-dog eyes and salt-and-pepper hair, has aged like a fine wine." A recent poll revealed that…

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