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Jolly Old Soccer Man Sets The Record Straight About His FIFA Ratings Jolly Old Soccer Man Sets The Record Straight About His FIFA Ratings

Kevin Ellison is a 39-year-old English soccer player who has plied his trade at 13 different clubs throughout the lower levels of English soccer, only ever making one appearance in the Premier League, with Leicester City in 2001. He’s essentially soccer’s answer to Crash Davis, and he currently plays for Morecambe in…

Premier League Votes To Force-Feed Fans Steaming Piles Of VAR Next Season Premier League Votes To Force-Feed Fans Steaming Piles Of VAR Next Season

If you read this site you probably already know why VAR, soccer’s misguided foray into video replay, is shit. Up to now the Premier League admirably resisted the trend of competitions shoveling VAR down everyone’s throats, in part because of some high-profile local instantiations of VAR’s shittiness. Alas, the…

Claudio Ranieri, Everyone's Lovable Soccer Grandpa, Is Here To Save Fulham Claudio Ranieri, Everyone's Lovable Soccer Grandpa, Is Here To Save Fulham

Despite spending something like £100 million in the transfer market in the summer, newly promoted Fulham have been the worst team in the Premier League by a good margin. Finally, they’ve decided to do something about it. Today the club announced that they’ve fired manager Slaviša Jokanović and replaced him with a more…

Borussia Dortmund Defender Manuel Akanji Is The King Of Quick Maths Borussia Dortmund Defender Manuel Akanji Is The King Of Quick Maths

Last year, British rapper Big Shaq took the world by storm with an incredible freestyle performance during which he posed and solved a series of math equations mid-rap. It’s taken a while, but someone has finally surpassed Big Shaq’s show of numerical genius with even quicker, more complex maths. That someone is…

Dutch Soccer Fans Hire Stripper To Run On Field And Distract Opponents Dutch Soccer Fans Hire Stripper To Run On Field And Distract Opponents

Black and yellow streamers fell from the sky near the Rijnsburgse Boys goal in the 12th minute of their match against AFC on Saturday, as if to announce the coming of a celebration or a gift. A gift indeed soon came, as a local stripper ran out onto the pitch wearing nothing but shoes, socks, and some body paint,…

The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Tender Parenting Moment The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Tender Parenting Moment

A parent’s job is to create a supportive environment for their kids, giving them the space to make their own mistakes as well as the tools needed to correct them and learn from them. In practical terms, that can occasionally mean pushing your goofus kid in the dirt in order to teach them how to stop a dang shot…

José Mourinho Caps Quintessential Win With Quintessential Assholery

Juventus had little trouble bossing Manchester United in the Champions League today. The Italian team was in control for the vast majority of the match and, if not for some shaky finishing, probably would’ve won with ease. But even during this struggle of a season, United manager José Mourinho proved he can still work…

Raheem Sterling Wins A Penalty By Tripping Over Himself

In today’s match against Shakhtar Donetsk, Manchester City star Raheem Sterling did something incredibly embarrassing when he blew a very good scoring opportunity by tripping over his own feet. Luckily for him, the referee followed that blunder with an even more monumental failure of his own when he awarded Sterling…

Report: Man Burns Down His Friend's House Over Argentine Soccer Rivalry Report: Man Burns Down His Friend's House Over Argentine Soccer Rivalry

The rivalry between Boca Juniors and River Plate, the two biggest clubs in Argentine soccer, is dubbed the Superclásico. This “Super” qualifier isn’t meant to imply that the game’s quality is typically better than Spain’s more heralded Clásico. Instead, it’s a reference to the fans, who are super-charged,…

Brazilian Soccer Player Found Dead After Being Castrated And "Nearly Decapitated"  Brazilian Soccer Player Found Dead After Being Castrated And "Nearly Decapitated" 

On Oct. 27, the mutilated body of Brazilian soccer player Daniel Correa was found in the woods outside of São José dos Pinhais, a city near São Paulo in southern Brazil. Correa, a midfielder with São Bento on loan from Série A club São Paulo, was found by police “nearly decapitated” and castrated. Officials quickly…

It's Time To Admit That Manchester City Are Unstoppable It's Time To Admit That Manchester City Are Unstoppable

Look, we get it. To a certain way of thinking, blowouts are bad, indisputable superiority is boring, and a season with a wire-to-wire table-topper isn’t as enthralling as a tightly competitive one. It would be nice if this year’s Premier League title race were a genuine competition between two or more clubs of equal…

Mohamed Salah Is Officially A Great Player Now That He Has A Creepy Statue In His Likeness Mohamed Salah Is Officially A Great Player Now That He Has A Creepy Statue In His Likeness

Last season, Liverpool forward Mohamed Salah went a long way toward consecrating his status as an all-time great by scoring the most goals ever in a single 38-game Premier League season. This weekend, Salah saw his legendary case strengthened even further when someone made an ugly statue of him.

Scottish Soccer Fan Punches Goalkeeper In The Face, While Another Beans Manager With A Coin

The behavior of two asshole fans threatened to ruin the spectacle of yesterday’s Scottish Premiership match between rivals Hearts and Hibernian. One of the assholes punched Hearts’ keeper in the face in the middle of the match, and the other chucked a coin at Hibs’ manager, striking the coach square in the face.

Christian Pulisic Went Off Today Christian Pulisic Went Off Today

An update on Christian Pulisic, American superstar: he is still extremely good at soccer. Today, in a DFB Pokal win over Union Berlin, he had a goal, an assist, a drawn game-winning penalty, and whatever this shit this move was.

Mohamed Salah Is Smiling Again Mohamed Salah Is Smiling Again

There was a minor inquest into Mohamed Salah’s state of mind following Liverpool’s comprehensive victory against Red Star in the Champions League last week. Salah scored twice in the 4-0 ass-kicking, but both of his post-goal reactions were noticeably subdued. The same was true after his goal the weekend prior, an…

Keepers Wield More Than Just Guesswork In The Battle Against Penalty Kicks Keepers Wield More Than Just Guesswork In The Battle Against Penalty Kicks

Penalty kicks are bad. They’re dramatic and can be a fascinating experience out of context, but we don’t get to experience them out of context. We have to deal with penalties as a clumsy method of deterring fouls in the box and as a makeshift solution to tied games dragging on forever. The fact that they’re preferable…

Even The Mighty Premier League Must Bow Before The Power Of America's Stupidest Sport Even The Mighty Premier League Must Bow Before The Power Of America's Stupidest Sport

Though I am a big fan of European soccer, I am an even bigger fan of massive, gaudy manifestations of American exceptionalism. And what better display of the U.S. in all its decadence and sun-blotting self-regard than us having our biggest, dumbest sport that nobody else cares about ruin the pitch of a huge game in…

Julen Lopetegui Shit-Canned From The Job Of His Dreams Four Months After Being Shit-Canned From The Job Of His Dreams Julen Lopetegui Shit-Canned From The Job Of His Dreams Four Months After Being Shit-Canned From The Job Of His Dreams

Pour one out for Julen Lopetegui, who has had just about the worst possible year a soccer manager can have. Real Madrid fired Lopetegui this afternoon, one day after an embarrassing 5-1 ass-kicking by Messi-less Barcelona, thus ending a nightmare of a year.

Barcelona Crushed Real Madrid And The Endless Cycle Of Death And Rebirth Begins Anew Barcelona Crushed Real Madrid And The Endless Cycle Of Death And Rebirth Begins Anew

Sunday’s edition of El Clásico between Barcelona and Real Madrid might have lacked the star-power and extraterrestrial individual greatness that Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo—both absent from the match for the first time in 11 years—always brought to the affair, but that doesn’t mean this world-famous rivalry had…

Soccer Guy Gets Yellow Card For Celebrating Goal By Proposing To His Girlfriend Soccer Guy Gets Yellow Card For Celebrating Goal By Proposing To His Girlfriend

Eduard Bello, 23, a Venezuelan midfielder for Antofagasta, a club in the Chilean first division, scored in the second minute yesterday to give his side the early lead over Everton CD. Then he ran off the field and into the stands to propose to his girlfriend, Venezuelan beach volleyball player Gabriela Brito, 24.

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