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Ousmane Dembélé Isn't Perfect For Barcelona, But He Is What They Need Ousmane Dembélé Isn't Perfect For Barcelona, But He Is What They Need

It still isn’t entirely clear if Ousmane Dembélé truly fits in at Barcelona. He doesn’t seem to have level of technical mastery and precision required to thrive in Barcelona’s traditional playing style, and it’s yet to be determined whether it would be wise or even possible for him or Barça alter their natural games…

Cristiano Ronaldo Sent Off In Tears After Softest Red Card Ever Cristiano Ronaldo Sent Off In Tears After Softest Red Card Ever

In his first Champions League match with Juventus, Cristiano Ronaldo was sent off in the 29th minute for what looked like patting (maybe forcefully patting?) Valencia defender Jeison Murillo on the head, after Murillo went down in the box. I’m no Ronaldo super fan, but that has to be the most ridiculous red card I’ve…

Michael Bradley Might As Well Retire After Zlatan Ibrahimović Ethered Him Michael Bradley Might As Well Retire After Zlatan Ibrahimović Ethered Him

Zlatan Ibrahimović scored what might have been the greatest goal of his life last Saturday in the L.A. Galaxy’s game against Toronto FC. Somehow, that goal—the 500th of his career—might not have been the most ruthless thing he did that day.

Liverpool Righteously Owned PSG In A Champions League Classic Liverpool Righteously Owned PSG In A Champions League Classic

The first classic match of the new Champions League season came on the first day of the competition. Liverpool-PSG had everything: superstar forwards on both sides of the ball, anarchic attacks flying up and down the pitch, several goals, a wounded dick, and, maybe most importantly, a heart-stopping climax that handed…

Wonderteen Christian Pulisic, Who Is Now A Wonderman, Scores Winner On 20th Birthday Wonderteen Christian Pulisic, Who Is Now A Wonderman, Scores Winner On 20th Birthday

Christian Pulisic turned 20 years old today, which means he is no longer the Wonderteen we have all known and loved, but instead a full-grown Wonderman. He showed his newfound maturity by scoring the lone goal and winner for Borussia Dortmund in the 85th minute of their Champions League opener against Club Brugge. It…

Mauro Icardi's Gut-Punch Volley Made Tottenham Puke All Over Themselves Mauro Icardi's Gut-Punch Volley Made Tottenham Puke All Over Themselves

Even in this new Mauricio Pochettino era of success, Spurs haven’t fully cured their Spursiness. Over the past few years Tottenham have been at their most Spursy in the Champions League, and today’s tournament-opening match against Inter was no exception.

It's Now Or Never For Eden Hazard It's Now Or Never For Eden Hazard

Right now, Eden Hazard resides in perplexing plane of existence all his own. The boundaries of this plane are fuzzy and indefinite, but the simplest way to prove its unmistakable presence might be to consider the following question: Has Hazard been a disappointment?

Dimitri Payet Is Still Alive And Kicking The Bejesus Out Of Soccer Balls

Remember when Dimitri Payet came to the Premier League a few years ago, immediately set the world on fire by single-handedly transforming West Ham into must-see TV with his gasp-inducing talent and irrepressible flair, and then jilted all those new fans he’d earned right when we were starting to get used to his genius…

Spain Clobbered Croatia And Should Be Mad As Hell About It Spain Clobbered Croatia And Should Be Mad As Hell About It

World Cup failures Spain took on World Cup runners-up Croatia yesterday in a match in the new and sort of confusing UEFA Nations League. You might not totally get what the Nations League is (here’s a quick primer) but there are some things you should know about the Spain-Croatia match itself: 1) it was a legitimate…

Matt Miazga Adds Insult To Injury By Mocking Diego Lainez's Height In USMNT Victory

The USMNT beat Mexico in an international friendly Tuesday night, 1–0, on a second-half goal from teenager Tyler Adams. You want to see the goal. Fine. Here is the goal, you demanding jerk:

France's World Cup Celebration Party Was Wonderfully Joyous France's World Cup Celebration Party Was Wonderfully Joyous

Yesterday, France beat the Netherlands in a fairly meaningless international match. While the match itself didn’t matter, it did have the distinction of being the first time the French national team had returned to their home stadium since this summer’s glorious World Cup victory. To commemorate the occasion, the team…

Nicklas Bendtner Decked A Cabbie And Broke His Jaw Nicklas Bendtner Decked A Cabbie And Broke His Jaw

Former Arsenal player and cult-favorite shithead Nicklas Bendtner famously once unbuckled his pants, rubbed his junk up against a taxi, and then spanked the presumably titillated but bewildered vehicle with his just-removed belt in a fit of anger aimed at the cab’s driver. On Sunday, Bendtner was once again made angry…

Here’s Every Goal In Manchester United Women’s 12-0 Rout

Manchester United formed a women’s team again this year, thirteen years after the club disbanded its previous women’s squad. The team won its first game and lost its second in the FA Women’s League Cup. Today United played its first game in the FA Women’s Championship, the new second-tier league in England.

Some Common Goalkeeping Mistakes Aren't Actually Mistakes Some Common Goalkeeping Mistakes Aren't Actually Mistakes

It’s not really surprising that an eccentric position played by only one-tenth of a sport’s population and operating under a completely different rule set is relatively overlooked and misunderstood. That’s not always a major problem. After all, a goalkeeper’s job boils down to “Keep the ball out of the net,” and their…

Cascading Series Of Fuckups Leads To Thrilling Game-Winning Goal

Here we have an example of the redemptive power of never giving up, from the Tajik Cup. After a defender for Lokomotiv Pamir booted a long clearance, FC Istiklol Dushanbe’s goalkeeper made the critical mistake of getting fancy with his interception, trying to turn and kick the ball across the middle of the pitch to a…

Dumbass Plan To Play La Liga Match In The U.S. Already Looks Like A Disaster Dumbass Plan To Play La Liga Match In The U.S. Already Looks Like A Disaster

La Liga’s money-grubbing ploy to bring a league match to the U.S. every year always sounded like just about the stupidest idea imaginable. With each additional revelation about the deal, we’re getting a clearer picture of just how moronic and incompetent the plan and the planners behind it truly are.

Uganda's Answer To Rob Ford Is Somehow Even Less Athletic

Moses Ali is the 79-year-old first deputy prime minister of Uganda. He is also enormously fat and wildly unathletic. Following in the footsteps of another politician who possessed a considerable girth and a dearth of athleticism, Ali embarrassed himself while trying to execute a routine physical motion at the Ugandan…

Inter Miami CF Continues MLS's Proud Tradition Of Barfy European Cosplay Inter Miami CF Continues MLS's Proud Tradition Of Barfy European Cosplay

David Beckham’s Mosaic trek through the American sports grifter desert as he seeks to realize his MLS team ownership dream has come another step closer to reality. We now know what to call this allegedly imminent franchise, and it’s a name as nauseatingly cosplayish as we’ve come to expect:

Atletico Madrid B Captain Takes Bite Out Of New Real Madrid Signing Atletico Madrid B Captain Takes Bite Out Of New Real Madrid Signing

When 18-year-old Brazilian forward Vinícius Júnior was signed to Real Madrid on a €45 million transfer this summer, there was probably some expectation on his end that his footballing life would change for the better.

Manchester United Fans Went Full Arsenal With This Fly-Over Banner Manchester United Fans Went Full Arsenal With This Fly-Over Banner

Manchester United are not having a great season so far. They’ve managed to earn just three points in their first three games, manager José Mourinho is reaching a breaking point, and Graeme Souness is getting the dog whistle out early.

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