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Luka Modrić Wins FIFA's Dumb Little "The Best" Award Luka Modrić Wins FIFA's Dumb Little "The Best" Award

Individual awards in soccer are inherently silly and effectively meaningless. FIFA’s premier individual award has been rendered even sillier and less meaningful recently after soccer mag France Football regained ownership of the actually prestigious Ballon d’Or, causing FIFA to invent their own “The Best” that people…

Atletico Madrid B Captain Takes Bite Out Of New Real Madrid Signing Atletico Madrid B Captain Takes Bite Out Of New Real Madrid Signing

When 18-year-old Brazilian forward Vinícius Júnior was signed to Real Madrid on a €45 million transfer this summer, there was probably some expectation on his end that his footballing life would change for the better.

New Madrid Keeper Thibaut Courtois Apologizes For Singing Song About Real Madrid Fans Fucking Kangaroos New Madrid Keeper Thibaut Courtois Apologizes For Singing Song About Real Madrid Fans Fucking Kangaroos

Before he was the regular goalkeeper at Chelsea, Thibaut Courtois was the number one at Atletico Madrid when they burst onto the La Liga scene to challenge the duopoly of Barcelona and Real Madrid. Now, since his transfer to Real earlier this week, Courtois has been forced to awkwardly answer for his past as a member…

Extremely Not-Desperate Chelsea Break The Bank To Sign Their Second-Choice Keeper Extremely Not-Desperate Chelsea Break The Bank To Sign Their Second-Choice Keeper

The very gloomy outlook for Chelsea’s upcoming Premier League season just got a little bit brighter, albeit at a hefty cost. The Blues welcomed a new goalkeeper to the club today in Athletic Bilbao’s Kepa Arrizabalaga, who pretty understandably just goes by “Kepa” most of the time. Kepa’s price tag, paid a day before…

Sweet Baby Jesus, Cristiano Ronaldo Really Will Leave Real Madrid For Juventus Sweet Baby Jesus, Cristiano Ronaldo Really Will Leave Real Madrid For Juventus

What at first felt like the same sort of hyped-up salary negotiation process between Real Madrid and Cristiano Ronaldo we see almost every summer has just gotten real as hell. Real Madrid have now confirmed that, at Ronaldo’s request, they have agreed to transfer him to Juventus.

Cristiano Ronaldo Beats Lionel Messi (At Tax Evasion) Cristiano Ronaldo Beats Lionel Messi (At Tax Evasion)

Real Madrid and Portugal striker Cristiano Ronaldo has reportedly settled his tax fraud charges with Spanish authorities, agreeing to pay $21.7 million, or approximately €18.7 million, to stay out of prison and receive only a suspended two-year sentence. Ronaldo’s achievement breaks the tax evasion mark set by his…

Spain Shoots Its Own Dick Off In The Name Of Propriety, Fires Manager One Day Before World Cup Spain Shoots Its Own Dick Off In The Name Of Propriety, Fires Manager One Day Before World Cup

The Spanish soccer federation (RFEF) announced today that it has fired its national team manager Julen Lopetegui, on the eve of the World Cup, because Lopetegui did not “act the right way.” The infraction? Lopetegui accepted a job managing Real Madrid, which would have started after the World Cup, without prior…

Real Madrid's New Manager Julen Lopetegui Thinks Messi Is Better Than Ronaldo  Real Madrid's New Manager Julen Lopetegui Thinks Messi Is Better Than Ronaldo 

Real Madrid announced Julen Lopetegui as their new manager today, just two weeks after Zinedine Zidane resigned abruptly from the job after winning the Champions League title. Lopetegui is currently manager of Spain’s national team and won’t take over at Real Madrid until after the World Cup.

Doctors Say Liverpool Keeper Suffered Concussion During Champions League Final Doctors Say Liverpool Keeper Suffered Concussion During Champions League Final

Liverpool goalkeeper Loris Karius flew to Boston last week in order to undergo testing for a possible concussion some speculated he’d suffered just moments before the first of two monumental errors that more or less decided the Champions League final in Real Madrid’s favor. Today, the doctors who performed the exam …

Zinedine Zidane, The Perfect Real Madrid Manager, Left In Perfect Style Zinedine Zidane, The Perfect Real Madrid Manager, Left In Perfect Style

In the mother of all mic drops, Zinedine Zidane called a snap press conference today and announced that he was quitting his post as manager of Real Madrid, mere days after winning his record-setting third Champions League trophy in a row. It was the perfect cap to a perfect marriage of coach and club.

Real Madrid Manager Zinedine Zidane Abruptly Resigns Days After Winning The Champions League Real Madrid Manager Zinedine Zidane Abruptly Resigns Days After Winning The Champions League

Less than a week after leading Real Madrid to their third consecutive Champions League title in a 3-1 win over Liverpool on Saturday, manager Zinedine Zidane announced today in a shocking press conference that he was stepping down from the club.

The Best Club In The World Is Real Madrid The Best Club In The World Is Real Madrid

Three Champions League titles in a row. Four such trophies in five years. The plain facts of Real Madrid’s astounding recent run in soccer’s most prestigious club competition means this Madrid team will go down in the sport’s history as maybe the single best exemplar of opulent, unimpeachable success—just maybe not…

Reports: Dislocated Shoulder Could Knock Mohamed Salah Out Of The World Cup Reports: Dislocated Shoulder Could Knock Mohamed Salah Out Of The World Cup

Saturday’s Champions League final was a feverish, spectacular affair featuring memorable feats of athleticism, an even more memorable all-time boner, and a perfectly timed idiot on the pitch. The match was pretty significantly marred, though, by a first half injury to world-destroying goal-bot Mohamed Salah, who was…

ESPN Deportes Announcers Are Losing Their Minds In The Champions League Final

Loris Karius’s embarrassing blunder that led to the opening goal in today’s Champions League final may have put Real Madrid up for a short-lived 1-0 lead, but it’s a moment ESPN Deportes announcers appear they will remember for the rest of their lives:

Rafael Nadal Catches Shit For Supporting Rival Soccer Clubs Rafael Nadal Catches Shit For Supporting Rival Soccer Clubs

Rafael Nadal is roughly midway through his clay-court rampage, having lengthened his consecutive set streak to a record 46, and just had some time off between tournaments in Barcelona and Madrid. He spent some of that precious downtime watching soccer, which he loves deeply.

Barcelona And Real Madrid Combined For One Exquisitely Dumb Clásico Barcelona And Real Madrid Combined For One Exquisitely Dumb Clásico

Spain’s El Clásico remains the biggest and best rivalry in all of soccer. Especially during the last decade, when matches between Barcelona and Real Madrid practically always meant matches between two historically great teams who desired nothing more than to stick a shiv into their most hated foes’ guts—only partially…

Liverpool Lose By Enough To Win Their Way Into The Champions League Final Liverpool Lose By Enough To Win Their Way Into The Champions League Final

Continuing this year’s Champions League tradition of first-leg beatdowns followed by second-leg borderline meltdowns, Liverpool lost to Roma today by a score of 4-2 but still won the tie. They will now meet Real Madrid in the final in Kiev on May 26th.

Blame Bayern Munich, And All The Rest Of Them Blame Bayern Munich, And All The Rest Of Them

If, after watching Bayern Munich’s appalling display of simultaneous superiority and ineptitude that granted the evil white empire of Real Madrid entry to the Champions League final, you found it a little difficult to maintain the furious, righteous anger in your belly once you saw the agonizing, tear-streaked faces…

Historically Horrendous Boner By Bayern Munich's Keeper Gifts Real Madrid A Goal Historically Horrendous Boner By Bayern Munich's Keeper Gifts Real Madrid A Goal

If ever there were any doubt that Real Madrid are the luckiest team in the history of the world, this staggering gaffe by Bayern Munich’s Sven Ulreich that set up Karim Benzema for the easiest goal he’ll ever score in his life should remove all doubt:

Soulless Avatars Of Late Capitalism Set Up Nicely To Acquire Another European Cup Soulless Avatars Of Late Capitalism Set Up Nicely To Acquire Another European Cup

European Soccer Market (ESM) analysts the world over are still abuzz about the big step Real Madrid (ESM:RMD) took on their path to consolidating their ownership of the European Cup for the third consecutive year.

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