Russia Wanted to Start a Race War and Create the Confederate States of Wakanda

Michael Harriot just a moment. 0 comments
Race War Politics Russian Interference In US Election Race Africa Russia

Recently uncovered documents reveal that prominent Russian saboteurs seriously considered an elaborate plot to round up America’s top gang thugs, send them to Africa, arm them, take over the Southern United States and start a separate country where presumably “Knuck If You Buck” would be the national anthem.

This might be the stupidest idea in history. Imagine how dumb an entire group of people would have to be to start a civil war against their own country in hopes of creating an entirely separate society based on racism? It would be bloody and pit brother against brother. Secede from the Union? Who does that?

Yet, according to NBC, the Russians who interfered in the 2016 elections floated a number of ideas on how they could sow discord in the United States. Some of the documents obtained by the Dossier Center, a London-based investigative team, detailed conversations and plans among associates of Yevgeny Prigozhin—a Russian oligarch who was indicted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

NBC reports:

The documents contained proposals for several ways to further exacerbate racial discord in the future, including a suggestion to recruit African Americans and transport them to camps in Africa “for combat prep and training in sabotage.” Those recruits would then be sent back to America to foment violence and work to establish a pan-African state in the South, particularly in South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana...

The blueprint, entitled “Development Strategy of a Pan-African State on U.S. Territory,” floated the idea of enlisting poor, formerly incarcerated African Americans “who have experience in organized crime groups” as well as members of “radical black movements for participation in civil disobedience actions.”

One of the maps even showed what the new Pan-African country would look like, covering South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama Mississippi, Louisiana and maybe Texas.

But do we really want Texas? I’m pretty sure Blackmanistan’s Congress would be willing to keep Houston and maybe Dallas. We’d trade the rest of that bullshit for D.C. and a hood to be named later. And if they balk, fuck’em. As long as we have Atlanta, we’re good.

And no, we’re not taking Florida. Those motherfuckers are crazy.

First of all, how was this race war semester abroad in Africa was supposed to work? Did they think black people were going to trust some oily-haired Russian motherfuckers? After serving years as both an amateur and a professional black person, I can tell you that black people don’t distinguish between Russians and regular, riding-on-the-passenger-side-with-their-bare-foot-hanging-out-of-the-car-window whites. I doubt if some niggas from Compton and Baltimore are going to embark on a trans-Atlantic trip because some guy named Sergei promised AK-47s and liberation. We fell for that one before. You know what they say:

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you might catch these hands.”

I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible.

What would this Pan-African state’s economy be like? You know a petty dude like Trump would immediately tax our lotion imports. And of course, colonizers would still try to gentrify the new country of Beyoncélonia. Aside from winning the next 234 NBA Championships, Super Bowls and So You Think You Can Dance season finales, most of the Realniggastan’s GDP would come from exporting our music, art, science and culture. Sure, we’d make a few bucks off tourism but we’d probably have to build a wall to keep out white girls, Nick Saban and most of the Kardashians.

Plus, if America had no more black culture for white people to imitate, profit from and position themselves next to, how the hell is Michael Rapaport supposed to make a living?

Even though the plan sounds crazy, it does seem a little fun. First, we’d have to come up with a flag for New Wakanda. We’d call it the “black man’s flag” and every time white people see it, the hoowyatts would get upset and we could just tell them: “It’s about heritage, not hate.” We’ll probably have to build some monuments to the rebels who committed treason so that we could be free.

To be fair, we’d have to do a lot of restructuring. We can’t send our kids to school in Alabama and Mississippi without overhauling the school system. I’m sure Flosstralia’s Secretary of Education, Dr. Umar Johnson, could turn them around in 30-40 years, as long as we don’t give him control of the national GoFundMe account.

We’d also have to offer restitution for all of the white people who had to leave Livinglargentina. Some would argue that the citizens of Melanindia should say “fuck them.” but we’d have to pay them some form of reparations.

No country could ever be that evil.

The plan to take militant black people to Africa for slave uprising summer camp was shared with powerful Russians including businessman Mikhail Potepkin. Ultimately, the Russians decided that installing a dullard scofflaw with a God complex, a minuscule vocabulary and an addiction to Day-Glo spray tan would probably fuck this country up even more.

Turns out, they were right. - Download Hi-Res Songs

1 Thomas Rhett

Look What God Gave Her flac

Thomas Rhett. 2019. Writer: Thomas Rhett;Rhett Akins;Julian Bunetta;John Ryan;Jacob Kasher;Ammar Malik.
2 Little Big Town

Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time flac

Little Big Town. 2019. Writer: Thomas Rhett;Karen Fairchild;The Stereotypes;Jesse Frasure;Ashley Gorley.
3 Iselin Solheim

Anyone Out There flac

Iselin Solheim. 2019. Writer: Iselin Solheim;Max Grahn.
4 Kim Petras

Heart To Break flac

Kim Petras. 2018. Writer: Cirkut;Aaron Joseph;Dr. Luke;Jacob Kasher;Kim Petras.
5 Florian Picasso

Midnight Sun (Extended Version) flac

Florian Picasso. 2019.
6 Florian Picasso

Midnight Sun flac

Florian Picasso. 2019.
7 21 Savage

Enzo flac

21 Savage. 2019. Writer: YungLunchBox;Sheck Wes;Offset;Gucci Mane;21 Savage;DJ Snake.
8 Pescro

SUKA flac

Pescro. 2019.
9 Julie Bergan

Don't Give Up On Me Now flac

Julie Bergan. 2019. Writer: R3hab;Ferruccio Tebaldi;Iselin;Maria Jane Smith;Mateusz Dziewulski;Victor Thell.
10 Half An Orange

Buzz Lightyear (WRLD Remix) flac

Half An Orange. 2019.
11 Rachael Yamagata

Is It You flac

Rachael Yamagata. 2019.
12 Lewis Capaldi

Hold Me While You Wait flac

Lewis Capaldi. 2019. Writer: Jamie N Commons;Jamie Hartman;Lewis Capaldi.
13 Christina Perri

Tiny Victories flac

Christina Perri. 2019. Writer: Christina Perri.
14 Of Monsters And Men

Alligator flac

Of Monsters And Men. 2019. Writer: Nanna Bryndís Hilmarsdóttir.
15 Ashley Tisdale

True Romance flac

Ashley Tisdale. 2019. Writer: Scot Stewart;Dylan Mclean;Rachel West;John Feldmann;Ashley Tisdale.
16 Ashley Tisdale

Voices In My Head flac

Ashley Tisdale. 2019. Writer: Whitney Phillips;Scott Stewart;Dylan Mclean;John Feldmann;Ashley Tisdale.
17 Ashley Tisdale

Feeling So Good flac

Ashley Tisdale. 2019. Writer: Ashley Tisdale.
18 Ashley Tisdale

Under Pressure flac

Ashley Tisdale. 2019. Writer: John Feldmann;Ashley Tisdale.
19 Ashley Tisdale

Vibrations flac

Ashley Tisdale. 2019. Writer: Dylan Mclean;Scot Stewart;Rachel West;John Feldmann;Ashley Tisdale.
20 Ashley Tisdale

Looking Glass flac

Ashley Tisdale. 2019. Writer: Dylan Mclean;Scot Stewart;Rachel West;John Feldmann;Ashley Tisdale.

Suggested posts

Other Michael Harriot's posts