Chris the Bachelor Is Probably Bad at Sex

Kate Dries 10/05/2017. 23 comments
The Bachelor Chris Soules Sex Kissing Dancing

We're three episodes into this season of The Bachelor and while there have been plenty of crazy antics, one thing is becoming abundantly clear: for all his makin' out, Chris Soules is probably not good at sex.

Our scientific reasoning is threefold. Even though personality is sometimes a factor in why people enjoy sex with one another, for the purposes of this exploration, we're ignoring Chris's personality, because we know he's polite enough these women don't really care what he's actually like. Also, we know he's boring .

1. He does not look like a good kisser.

Let's real talk: watching anyone kiss is super gross except if it's someone in a Hollywood movie. That being said: Chris's kissing technique is a weird delicate gentle suctioning move that the women on his season inexplicably love. (He is clearly no Arie, who was known as such a good kisser that he was brought back during Sean's season to share his talents.) Despite this fact, multiple women have said they really liked kissing Chris – but they're already in the house competing with all these other women, which probably makes his mouth seem more appealing than it would in the wild. What are they supposed to say? "Eh, I'm going home?" Doubtful.

2. He is a bad dancer.

Yes, enthusiasm is the most important thing about dancing. But. "Chris is such a good dancer," Whitney said last night. "He was doing the shopping cart, the lawn mower...." WHITNEY. I know you've probably been going out with white boys who don't know how to do anything but hump your ass while the DJ at that wedding blasts Nelly's "Hot in Here" but the ability to do the shopping cart and the lawn mower does not a good dancer make. Quite the opposite, in fact.

3. Penis size is a concern.

Size absolutely does not matter – if you know what to do with it and if you have other things going for you. But if you're not a good kisser and you're not good at dancing and you have a small penis, well, you don't have a ton to work with.

When Chris was working out, it looked like there is something going on down there – though what that was was unclear.

But later on, it seemed more like he could have been a eunuch.

We have several episodes left to learn more about whether Chris has some secret moves, but unless ABC decides this is the year they want to give us the goods and take us into the Fantasy Suite, NR edition, we'll never really know how Chris is in the sack. Until one of his rejects writes a tell-all. So in like 9 months to a year we'll know if he's good at sex or not. Patience is a virtue.

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